I'll Only Miss Him More
by ADarkerDestiny
Summary: Millie POV Love and loss are two parts of life that most everybody has to deal with. A look inside of the heart of a girl who knew both.


My newest one-shot idea: a very sad/semi-romantic/emotional/almost angsty piece looking at... oh, it's a "Trigun", by the way. Anyway... looking at Milly's feelings upon the event of Nicholas D. Wolfwood's tragic demise. WHY? (sniff) He was so freakin' awesome... (still mad at them for bumping him off)

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_**: i'll only miss him more :**_

_Love: _noun-_ an intense feeling of deep affection  
__Loss: _noun- _the feeling or process of losing something or someone_

>

I'm afraid that I'll never be truly strong enough to handle all the difficult things that come around in life. I feel like inside I'm breaking- like great pieces of my heart are tearing and ripping off, and being crushed under somebody's callous heel. And I try just as hard as I can to cope with my sorrow- with any kind of pain, actually- but sometimes all that hurt threatens to be too much to bear and because of that it will make me completely collapse. Will I ever be able to accept that? I can pretend that it doesn't bother me; I can concentrate on other things until I seem to forget. But there's always a dull pain in my chest that won't let me get away, and whenever I'm alone and the stress of the days is gone, my tears begin to permanently flood my eyes.

>

Some people call me silly. I know that a lot of people think I'm a little dim or foolish, and I have to say that they're probably right. I'm not the brightest person that there ever was. But it hasn't bothered me; maybe I learned to ignore it, or maybe I never cared in the first place. I have always been content to be my self; it's written in my very disposition that most of my days my heart is light and I'm full of smiles. In all my experiences, I've been able to find a reason to be at least moderately happy.

>

For the most part, I didn't dream of going on in any other way- living my life in the same way that had kept me comforted for years. I was cheerful; as I said before, I just couldn't live if I was always filled with sorrow. I might upset easily, but I need at least a bit of light. Maybe I seem flaky or air-headed, but I'm not quite as bad as all that. I don't act like it's a big deal to me on the outside, but one the inside I still feel the scars as painfully as if the wounds were new. Of course, life never stops for long. It can't just stay still. There's always something that comes and pushes you back into the flow of change. I'll never forget my push; what not only affected me, but so many others as well.

>

My dearest friend is probably a woman named Meryl Stryfe. We worked together at the Bernardelli insurance agency. The job wasn't really that bad; I guess I even kind of liked it! She was always trying to do her best, and kept obligations even when they had been pushed aside as obsolete. But Meryl always was stubborn- she never gave in, no matter what.

>

Sometimes we got into trouble- I'm sure Meryl never meant for it to happen- but we always managed to find a way out of it again. Us "insurance girls" just weren't the luckiest people around sometimes, though really, some of the misfortunes were what made it a good time.

>

Our biggest assignment, and the one that would leave a mark on us forever, was to find Vash the Stampede and try to make sure he didn't cause any more damage. The agency we worked for was handing out double dollar after double dollar because of him, and so it became our job to find him. Now, at first it seemed a really difficult task. After all, he was the man with the 60 billion double-dollar bounty on his head. He was "the Humanoid Typhoon". A lot of people were terrified of what he could do- but not me and Meryl! (Though at first we were a little wary)

>

We started out on our journey with ambition- and a little anxiety. Our search led us almost straight to him, though- and looking back on it, this is really rather funny- it took quite a bit of convincing to persuade Meryl that he was the genuine thing. Hearing the name "Humanoid Typhoon" would probably make you think of this dangerous, scary guy, who liked to destroy things wherever he went. But that's not Mr. Vash at all! He's one of the nicest people you could meet; and I like him. And Meryl... well, Meryl likes him too. I don't think she likes to talk about that though.

>

When we were first looking for him, I remember Meryl buying a big box of donuts. I guess they were a gift so he'd want to come with us. And the funny thing is, it turned out that Mr. Vash loves donuts! He always gets some whenever he can. That's just one of the surprising things about him. After all, he's not the crazed gun-slinging murderous psycho most rumors make him out to be. He's a good, caring man, and always tries to avoid killing.

>

But, because of his bad reputation, and certain events that he really couldn't control, everyone has a very bad opinion of him. Even me and Meryl believed the rumors about him- it's not like we really had much of a choice after all. Once we met him, trouble seemed to follow us where ever we went. People were always hunting him down, or trying to take revenge on him for one of his alleged crimes.

>

In fact, Vash is so unlike what gossip makes him out to be, that we didn't believe that it was him when we first met him. He seemed too goofy to be the real deal. He said time and again that he was Vash the Stampede, but Meryl was always skeptical. I figured that we might as well take his words as true; he said he was Vash, so he probably was. Once we saw his amazing abilities though, we were definitely convinced. He is a true gunman- I've never seen anyone with a greater mastery of the weapon.

>

We had so many amazing adventures with him that it's almost hard to believe it all really happened. But it did happen, and we all carry reminders of our travels deep in our hearts. After all, some things can't be forgotten. Some things shouldn't be forgotten. Strength can come from our memories, painful or happy. Letting go is harder- and sometimes it must be done- but at least holding on lets you keep those things you lost in your heart forever. And the beautiful memories will remain.

>

I must seem ridiculous. I babble; there is no mistaking that. But I know what it's like to lose something. So many people were destroyed right in front of us. How we kept our sanity is a question that remains to be answered, but I think that Vash had something to do with it. He really is amazing, after all.

>

One of the things most clearly burned in my memories is the "end" of our journey. Vash faced off with his brother Knives, the only person we thought he might actually hate. I don't think I'll ever know what happened there on that battlefield between the two inhuman brothers, but I know that Mr. Vash will remember. You can see it in his eyes, even when they're burning with that fighting passion. Knives was with him when he returned, all unconscious and injured. That marked some sort of final defining point. What it was, I really couldn't say, but we all knew that our journey seemed to be over.

>

Meryl always denied how much she cared about him. Even before she was convinced of who he really was, she would follow him with a smile, trying to hide how much she liked him. He was funny; a bit of a goof, but he really put up with us well. We were practically stalking him after all. I know that Meryl... cares very, very deeply for him if she isn't in love with him. She likes taking care of him I think, even though he rarely needs it. She's bossy, and she's loud, but I see Mr. Vash smile, and I think that he cares too. I think that maybe... something won't be lost.

>

I know he loved a woman named Rem, but what happened in their past, I'm not completely sure of. Knives was there, and that might be why he and Mr. Vash are so mad at each other. He lost her, but I think that Meryl, and me, will always be here. Even if we're just waiting in the wings, we'll be there, ready for whatever comes. Together, we make a great team.

_>_

_But there was another..._

>

You... you couldn't talk about our journey though, without mentioning someone else who traveled with us. He was a great man- a priest. He wore black, and carried a giant cross. It was powerful, a weapon he wielded amazingly, and it came in handy for us more than once. We ran into him in a desert; he was dehydrated and tired and hot, but Vash saw him and the bus we were on picked him up. He had heard of Mr. Vash of course, and his bounty, but that was the first time any of us met him. Nicholas D. Wolfwood.

>

I'm not sure why he came with us. It had been seemingly accidental meetings at first. Just finding him in the places we had been heading, with no previous knowledge that he would be there. But then he sort of stayed- two years after the fifth moon incident, he went looking for Mr. Vash, and a little while after they had teamed up, we were once again assigned to find the infamous Vash the stampede. He was called a natural disaster- which coincided well with "humanoid typhoon". He had an amazing sort of power, but what it was, no one really knew. I think that Wolfwood had some idea; he must have gotten information from somewhere. I wonder if he ever talked to Vash's brother, Knives.

>

He and Mr. Vash are amazing together. I'll bet they could take down almost any enemy. We all were a great team actually, Mr. Vash, Mr. Wolfwood, Meryl, and... well, me too I guess. Through a lot of really sticky situations we all stuck together. And because of what we've experienced, we're all stronger too. Hopeless predicaments seemed to draw us in like nothing else could, and what with Mr. Vash being an outlaw and all, it seemed that everywhere we went we ran into trouble.

>

The sad thing is though, that not all of us made it through our adventures. Mr. Wolfwood... died. He was killed by the man who I think taught him; he was killed after he had shown mercy, just like Mr. Vash always said he should. I couldn't believe it, not after we had all gotten to know and love him! He smoked too much, and he might have lied a few times, but underneath all that he was a good man. He was... He was a good man.

>

Mr. Vash always avoided killing, but Mr. Wolfwood believed that sometimes you had to take life to save life. There was always at least a little bit of tension when that issue came up, but both accepted that their beliefs would be different, and usually, just let it drop. I had to side with Mr. Vash, though I can understand Mr. Wolfwood's point too. I didn't like killing; every life had value, you just had to look harder in some lives than in others. And, in the very end, we finally persuaded him. And that's what killed him. Mr. Wolfwood showed mercy on the man that he had beaten, and just as he turned around, the victor in the battle and the war, he was shot down- his life extinguished like a flame.

>

It still hurts to talk about it.

>

I know that Meryl and Vash probably miss him too, but... well, I don't know if I'll ever forget him. No, I know I won't. I'm happy; almost all of the time the world has never been brighter, and I cheerfully try to work and help out where I can. But the times when I am sad, I can really only blame myself. I want to remember him always, even though he's gone, because... because...

>

Maybe, when I die, I'll get to meet him in heaven. In a paradise just like we all dreamed about. With no killing, and no stealing. Meryl worries about me sometimes, when things are going well between her and Mr. Vash. I know she does, even though she tries to hide it. I let her think she's not obvious, because I know that's what she wants. It's silly though, because honestly I think that sometimes she needs more worrying about than I do! I still write to my family regularly, and I'm thinking that someday soon I'll take Meryl and Mr. Vash- and maybe even Mr. Knives- to visit all of them. They know a lot of what's been going on from my letters, so they'll make everybody feel right at home. And it will be good to be surrounded by so much love- I'm looking forward to that feeling.

>

Love and loss are two parts of life that most everybody has to deal with. That doesn't make them any easier, mind you, but it helps one resign oneself to that fate. And... oh, I know I'm selfish but I can't help. Right now, just right now I... I can't say that I loved him. Even when my heart feels like it's going to jump out of my chest, even when my pounding head pushes all my memories of him to the front of my mind, and even when the tears won't stop for anything, and it looks like I have two rivers going down my face, I just _can't_ admit to myself that I loved him. I don't want to forget him, but I do want to go on with my life. I'll never find somebody else like him, not in a million, billion years. I know that. I accept that. I'm almost glad, because he's so special I wouldn't want to find a replacement. Not ever.

>

I know I'm selfish, but I just want to ease my own pain. I've got Meryl and Mr. Vash and now Mr. Knives to look after; I can't waste time moping around. I can get my mind on other things, it really isn't that hard. And maybe he wouldn't like it, I don't know. And maybe I should be honest, but... I know what would happen if I was.

>

I can't say I love him, because then... I'll only miss him that much more.

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It was really hard to write this in Millie's POV, but I wanted a challenge, and I think I did it decently. I love Millie and Wolfwood together, it's so sweet! And... ugh, I couldn't believe it when he died. Oh dear. But... I hope you enjoyed this. My other one-shot only got one review, so please, if you read this, leave a comment. Feedback is my fuel, and I have about three or four other ideas I would love to post- but only if someone wants to read them.

Love and Peace!  
ADD


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